Eleven birthdays have now passed since you left us, & I can honestly say that as the years have passed I am no longer angry that you are gone, but I am still sad... I don't think there is any way to "get over" sad. The chunk of my heart that broke when you died is still broken, pieced together with a glue made up of memories, of smiles, & of good times and taped over with all the love a mother could ever have for her son.
You would be 27 years old today, twenty-seven years since the first time I held you in my arms and saw your beautiful face and through my tears of joy told your granny "It's a boy, Momma - I gave him a son" (meaning your real dad of course) - but you were MY son from that first day on, you were my reason to smile, my pride, my love, & You still are, Rog.
You'd be a man now, & instead of knowing, I have to wonder just what kind of man you would be- would you be a husband, a father, what would you have chosen to be? A football player (your dream), a musician (your secret I never even dreamed of til you picked up that guitar at the store and started playing "One" by Metallica and literally blew my mind), a coach, so many things you could be today instead of being a memory...
You were a hero to your baby sister, who now has her OWN baby and I know that you would be right there every minute you could stealing that sweet little girl away from her momma & that she would love you just as much as all of us do. You would be so proud of Amanda the "grown-up" - I know that I am. She is a fantastic Mom, a hard worker, and the best daughter a mother could ever hope for. She, too, has scars that will never heal from losing you so soon, but she bears them with courage and with pride. She's an amazing young woman, and the 2 of you are the best things I ever did in my life.
You blessed all of us with the privilege of knowing you and being part of our lives - those who called you friend were the luckiest people in the world, whether they knew it or not, but it was and is an HONOR to be the one who called you "Son" (or "brother", or "nephew", or "uncle", or "cousin").
I believe you are looking down from Heaven and watching over us all, I also believe that sometimes you are right here by my side when I really need you. I believe that the day will come that I see you again - those freckles, those eyes, that smile - & that I will be able to say all these things to you instead of about you...
Sometimes I don't think I can wait another day for that day to come... But I know that decision is not mine to make, when it is my time and the Lord calls me Home I know you will be waiting there to greet me & it will be as if we were never apart - until then I will hold you in my heart, my mind, and my memories and hope that somehow you can know how much you are missed and how much you are loved, by so many, still.
Happy 27th Birthday Roger Joseph Long
With all the Love I have,
Momma
Saturday, February 13, 2016
My Menopause - A LONG Season in Hell
Menopause... No two stories are the same... Here's mine.
I swear, this has to be hands-down the worst experience a woman goes through - not just because of the inconvenience, but because NO TWO WOMEN HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE!! There is no manual, no place for expert advice (at least not accurate advice, anyway), and no way to take a pass on eventually dealing with it...
I will be 49 in September 2016. For me, it has been & continues to be a living nightmare for close to a decade now. I bet I am not the only one who feels this way, either. So let's compare notes, women! I'm gonna share my experience so far, and invite any reader who is as bewildered as I have become to comment with your own stories, if nothing else it may make some of us feel a little better!
I didn't really have anyone to talk to when my pre-menopause first started. My Mom died at 49 in 1993, and she was honestly the only older woman who I had for this type of thing. Most of my friends, co-workers, etc.. are either my age or a couple of years younger, so they didn't know any more than me...
My hot flashes started in my mid-late thirties, and at that time I honestly believed that was a GOOD sign- that maybe I would start & finish early -- HA HA!
The hot flashes I have are not restricted to what is referred to as "night sweats" - mine are unpredictable, day or night, awake or asleep, at home or somewhere else- they are easy to identify, a boiling heat starts in the core of my body climbing to my head and exploding - sometimes I can take a shower and before I even get a chance to dry off, I already need another one & feel like I never even got one to begin with. There is no pattern of predictability as to when to "expect" them, sometimes I may go weeks without a single episode, other times, I may have them multiple times a day for days running. (I refer to those times as "rolling hot flashes")- it may not seem like any big deal, if you have never had them- but if you have, you know just how bad they are.
My periods are also totally unpredictable now. From the first one I ever had (at 14) til the hot flashes started, I lived a charmed existence in this area. I was as regular as clockwork, one day of mild cramps before the start, one heavy day, then 2-3 spotty days and that was the end til the next month! Now is a whole different ball game, though. I may go 2-4 months and never have a period at all (which usually starts a celebratory feeling of HURRAH!! IT'S FINALLY OVER) - then I get hit with one that comes like a flood, so much pain the first 2-3 days I can barely function, so much flow I usually have to change & shower if I even stand UP - and these can go on for weeks without end. The longest one lasted 8 straight weeks, & I was so weak, anemic, & downright terrified that I went to the ER only to be sent home with no answers at all. These monster menses average 2-3 weeks & there is no guarantee of getting another multi-month break til it happens again, either. Christmas 2015 brought me a 3-week long hemorrhage - and then one week after it stopped, another one, even worse than that one started up.
The affect these damn things have on me- both physically and emotionally, are horrible. And in terms of emotions, I am more often than not, a wreck. I have thrown myself on the bed and cried til I am literally exhausted, had temper-tantrums like a spoiled child who didn't get their way, been so furious I just want to kill, and so miserable I wished I would die. My poor husband tries to deal with my insanity as best he can (and he is really great) but admits I scare him when I get out-of-control like this. And who could blame him, I scare myself!
Other problematic side-effects don't help, for example, I try to maintain a healthy diet, I get plenty of exercise, etc.. but cannot lose weight - and the "menopause belly" I have been working to fix for years is just disgusting to me. My self-image is so low I can hardly even look at my body - before this started, I had never been larger than a size 7-9, I have watched the body I took such good care to keep up go all the way to a 16-18 - even though I did not let myself get lazy or over-eat, or eat fatty food, empty calorie stuff, or anything of that nature. It is so discouraging to try so hard and achieve absolutely nothing.
I hear that menopause affects sex-drive differently, some women get highly charged, while others turn almost frigid... Since I am trying to be honest here, I have always been a sex-maniac. For real. And now, even more so than before, again, for real! I never get enough, no matter how much we are having. That could be considered a plus - except for the fact I spend so much time with the unnaturally heavy, long periods - the emotional roller-coaster moods, and the new insecurity because of the way my body looks. I do everything in my power to make sure my husband never sees me totally naked anymore, figuring that if I am disgusted by my appearance, he will probably be even MORE so.
And how much longer will this miserable transition last??
NO ONE CAN SAY!
Officially, a woman has entered menopause when she has gone a full year (12 months) without a period. Well when in the HELL is THAT gonna finally happen??
NO ONE CAN SAY!
A dark period of life, surrounded by more questions than answers, an era of spare clothes, wild emotions, and frequent blocks of time where I do everything I can to avoid going anywhere, so that I won't have to embarrass myself anywhere public with sweat, blood, or tears. Becoming a bit of a hermit (I am usually a social extrovert) is also contributing to my mental instability- sometimes I fear that I may really be insane by the time I finish this transition.
And when a younger woman (or any man) tries to talk with me on the subject of my weight and body image, I just want to STRANGLE them when they start giving me the diet and exercise spiel because they really don't understand that has no relation to what my body is doing to betray me- it continues to do what it is doing IN SPITE OF ALL MY HARD WORK AND EFFORT!
Anyone who has found relief, given up, or just want to vent about YOUR own personal menopause experience, would love to hear from you.
I swear, this has to be hands-down the worst experience a woman goes through - not just because of the inconvenience, but because NO TWO WOMEN HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE!! There is no manual, no place for expert advice (at least not accurate advice, anyway), and no way to take a pass on eventually dealing with it...
I will be 49 in September 2016. For me, it has been & continues to be a living nightmare for close to a decade now. I bet I am not the only one who feels this way, either. So let's compare notes, women! I'm gonna share my experience so far, and invite any reader who is as bewildered as I have become to comment with your own stories, if nothing else it may make some of us feel a little better!
I didn't really have anyone to talk to when my pre-menopause first started. My Mom died at 49 in 1993, and she was honestly the only older woman who I had for this type of thing. Most of my friends, co-workers, etc.. are either my age or a couple of years younger, so they didn't know any more than me...
My hot flashes started in my mid-late thirties, and at that time I honestly believed that was a GOOD sign- that maybe I would start & finish early -- HA HA!
The hot flashes I have are not restricted to what is referred to as "night sweats" - mine are unpredictable, day or night, awake or asleep, at home or somewhere else- they are easy to identify, a boiling heat starts in the core of my body climbing to my head and exploding - sometimes I can take a shower and before I even get a chance to dry off, I already need another one & feel like I never even got one to begin with. There is no pattern of predictability as to when to "expect" them, sometimes I may go weeks without a single episode, other times, I may have them multiple times a day for days running. (I refer to those times as "rolling hot flashes")- it may not seem like any big deal, if you have never had them- but if you have, you know just how bad they are.
My periods are also totally unpredictable now. From the first one I ever had (at 14) til the hot flashes started, I lived a charmed existence in this area. I was as regular as clockwork, one day of mild cramps before the start, one heavy day, then 2-3 spotty days and that was the end til the next month! Now is a whole different ball game, though. I may go 2-4 months and never have a period at all (which usually starts a celebratory feeling of HURRAH!! IT'S FINALLY OVER) - then I get hit with one that comes like a flood, so much pain the first 2-3 days I can barely function, so much flow I usually have to change & shower if I even stand UP - and these can go on for weeks without end. The longest one lasted 8 straight weeks, & I was so weak, anemic, & downright terrified that I went to the ER only to be sent home with no answers at all. These monster menses average 2-3 weeks & there is no guarantee of getting another multi-month break til it happens again, either. Christmas 2015 brought me a 3-week long hemorrhage - and then one week after it stopped, another one, even worse than that one started up.
The affect these damn things have on me- both physically and emotionally, are horrible. And in terms of emotions, I am more often than not, a wreck. I have thrown myself on the bed and cried til I am literally exhausted, had temper-tantrums like a spoiled child who didn't get their way, been so furious I just want to kill, and so miserable I wished I would die. My poor husband tries to deal with my insanity as best he can (and he is really great) but admits I scare him when I get out-of-control like this. And who could blame him, I scare myself!
Other problematic side-effects don't help, for example, I try to maintain a healthy diet, I get plenty of exercise, etc.. but cannot lose weight - and the "menopause belly" I have been working to fix for years is just disgusting to me. My self-image is so low I can hardly even look at my body - before this started, I had never been larger than a size 7-9, I have watched the body I took such good care to keep up go all the way to a 16-18 - even though I did not let myself get lazy or over-eat, or eat fatty food, empty calorie stuff, or anything of that nature. It is so discouraging to try so hard and achieve absolutely nothing.
I hear that menopause affects sex-drive differently, some women get highly charged, while others turn almost frigid... Since I am trying to be honest here, I have always been a sex-maniac. For real. And now, even more so than before, again, for real! I never get enough, no matter how much we are having. That could be considered a plus - except for the fact I spend so much time with the unnaturally heavy, long periods - the emotional roller-coaster moods, and the new insecurity because of the way my body looks. I do everything in my power to make sure my husband never sees me totally naked anymore, figuring that if I am disgusted by my appearance, he will probably be even MORE so.
And how much longer will this miserable transition last??
NO ONE CAN SAY!
Officially, a woman has entered menopause when she has gone a full year (12 months) without a period. Well when in the HELL is THAT gonna finally happen??
NO ONE CAN SAY!
A dark period of life, surrounded by more questions than answers, an era of spare clothes, wild emotions, and frequent blocks of time where I do everything I can to avoid going anywhere, so that I won't have to embarrass myself anywhere public with sweat, blood, or tears. Becoming a bit of a hermit (I am usually a social extrovert) is also contributing to my mental instability- sometimes I fear that I may really be insane by the time I finish this transition.
And when a younger woman (or any man) tries to talk with me on the subject of my weight and body image, I just want to STRANGLE them when they start giving me the diet and exercise spiel because they really don't understand that has no relation to what my body is doing to betray me- it continues to do what it is doing IN SPITE OF ALL MY HARD WORK AND EFFORT!
Anyone who has found relief, given up, or just want to vent about YOUR own personal menopause experience, would love to hear from you.
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