Friday, May 12, 2017

From the Pit of Despair (just a piece of a work-in-progress)

When the walls around you are crashing down,
You're falling, but you don't want to;
So you claw till your fingers are blood and bone,
But there's nothing left to hold on to.
You realize that the world you thought that you knew
was nothing more than illusion,

And no matter how hard you try,
or how loudly you cry,
You can't wake from this nightmare delusion.

True becomes false, & light becomes dark,
You feel that you're losing your mind-

But it's too late to attack,
Once that knife's in your back-
And you realize you've always been blind.

Monday, May 1, 2017

My Husband - "Mr. (TOO) Nice Guy"

My Husband:


I love him, honestly, he's the greatest. We have been together almost 20 years now, and he is still just as amazing to me as he was in the early years of our relationship. We have known each other almost our whole lives, have a strong friendship base that goes long before "we" became an "us", & have stood firmly united through so many things I cannot even conceive a situation (other than the death of one of us) that could separate us... I'm lucky - & he is, too. We recognize this.
But...
There is one thing that drives me batty about him, & people who knew him in his younger days would never believe it -- 
he is TOO DAMN NICE! 
In his work, he has a lot of clients to deal with, & usually after a very short time of becoming acquainted, they start seeing him as a 'friend' - and some of them think that gives them an always-green light to intrude in to our private lives whenever they take a notion to do so...
The phone rings during dinner and someone is broke down on the side of the road, he's up out of his chair and halfway out the door to lend a hand, dinner half-eaten, evening blown to hell... 
Or,
He's finished for the day & in the shower and someone needs to see him 'just for a minute' - hours later, they leave - if we're lucky, I'm still awake and we get to spend a little time together before the next intrusion.
Drama seems to be inevitable with people he has business dealings with, seriously. And we are talking about grown-ups here, not teenagers, yet it is unbelievable the constant inflow of scenes like this:
Someone has heard that someone else said something about them.
(No, I'm not making this up!)
One of them finds out they have a common connection through my husband, who has had business dealings with both parties, and he is suddenly called upon to referee or moderate a dispute which has nothing to do with him or his business at all. He is pushed to 'take sides' or help the parties find a middle ground in areas outside of his business just to find a little peace. And I just shake my head in wonder at the immaturity and lack of boundaries...
Some other all-to-frequent aggravations are when 'Client X' is having some issue and can't afford to make a payment on time, so they just don't pay, without any prior notice or communication, & expect that he will work with them, never considering what the shortage might do to US & our own situation. So we are sometimes forced to stick it out and hope they eventually get back on track - and also hope they don't conveniently 'forget' about their obligations when they do.
And I have to say, sadly, women are the WORST. They apparently don't understand that he truly is that nice to EVERYONE, male or female- and that his willingness to lend a hand is not to be seen as a special interest, flirtation, invitation to a relationship, or anything of that nature, and that he (my husband) is not expecting OR seeking any offer of sexual favors from them. Seriously, he isn't... got that covered right here at home- thanks but no thanks.
In my desperation to find a solid, impenetrable line between work & home,I have honestly thought about contacting every client on his list and setting some boundaries about when it is NOT okay to call, what they should or should NOT expect to contact him about, & so forth, but it's really not my place. He runs his business, and I run mine. We help one another if needed, provide advice & support to each other, step in as 'boss' in the event of an emergency, etc... but our businesses are very different, & as far as clients go, we each do things our own way. And frankly, his way - which is so different from my way, sometimes has me ready to blow a gasket! 
My way is structured to where my clients know from the beginning that my family is my top priority, and the line between family and worked is not to be crossed. My way is restricted to set days & times that, in theory, leave ample time for family without causing anyone on the business side of my life to be inconvenienced. But I run a product-based business, while his is more service-oriented & the differences are worlds apart. And that factor alone creates plenty of chaos when my system collides with his. And it does collide, on a regular basis.
I have told my husband that one rule he needs to follow and be consistent with is this:
"Friends are friends, clients are clients; sometimes a friend may become a client, but usually it is NOT wise to turn a client into a friend".
And although he sees the wisdom, he has a hard time implementing this in to our everyday lives. Because he really has become this nice guy, and remembers times when he needed something and had all these 'friends' but NO one there to help, as well as the times when someone totally unexpected stepped up and saved the day. He remembers how it felt on both sides, especially when no one was there - so he tries way too hard to spare others from that feeling...
And maybe that would be okay if there weren't so many people out there who see niceness and empathy as a weakness that can be exploited to their advantage. I know there have been many times when a payment was not made because of some sad, sad story - only to eventually learn that said story was no more than a big, fat lie. When important things in the family side of our lives had to be postponed or even canceled altogether because of service calls that were supposed to be 'urgent' but really  weren't, tools and equipment that were loaned out but never returned, the list goes on and on and on.
I love this man, but sometimes I wish I could shake about half the 'nice' out of him - after all when 'nice guy' was a term no one would have dreamed of using to describe him, I was here. I'm in for the long haul & that is a fact. What I do get fed up with is the strain on a marriage when business gets put first. The times that are spent alone that we should be spending together, the hours, days, years that pass by without doing something we want to do together, whether it be big or small - because tools can be re-bought, clients can be replaced, loss of income can be eventually made up, but time - once it is gone you can never get that back.  When it is all said and done, I don't want the summary of our life together to be dominated by our careers, I want our relationship to be where the memories are plentiful and revisited with a smile, not with a sigh of regret for the could-have-been's and never-after's. And I know he wants the same, but somehow I have got to put a dent in his dedication before it can become a reality.
Now I just have to figure out HOW!